Pour your heart out

Shell over at Things I Can't Say hosts Pour Your Heart Out every Wednseday.  It's a place you can say anything as long as it comes from the heart.  Something that has been weighing on you.  Something you feel passionately about.  Something you've been wanting to talk about.  A cause, a memory, a belief, a world view.  Anything, really.

So here's mine for this week. 
Mine is sort of a parenting fail.  I'm not patient.  I get annoyed easily.  I snap at my boys sometimes for being boys.  I try to let things go and tune out the more annoying things Turbo does but it's not always possible.  I yell a lot and my voice is loud (thank you, mom).  I first noticed that this was impacting how Turbo reacted to things when he spilled something and flinched before I could yell.  He was three.  I knew then that I needed to work on toning it down and bringing up the patience.

Nick is wonderfully patient with both boys.  His ability to tune out annoying things is something I envy.  He can be impatient about other things but with the boys he is calm and easy going.  Me, not so much.  I try but the little things pile up and get to me and I just snap.  It's hard to ask for help with this because, you know I'm Mom and you're just supposed to be this wonderful, patient, sweet, loving mom person all the time.  I can't do that.  I feel guilty taking time for myself because Mom's not supposed to need to do that.  I have a great ability to soldier on when Bruiser or Turbo are sick, not sleeping, or really need me but at the times when I should be enjoying them, they annoy me.

One of my New Year's resolutions was to yell less.  Every time I lose it and scream, I think about that resolution.  It has made me more aware and I'm apologizing more for the blow ups.  Turbo does not flinch now when he makes mistakes, Bruiser hopefully won't learn to flinch from Mommy's yelling, and me--well I've learned to tell myself that sometimes stuff happens, let it roll off and move on.