Friday, October 1, 2010

Spin Cycle--Make me laugh!

small cycle
The SpinCycle this week is all about what makes you laugh.  We laugh often at our house.  Turbo and Bruiser are great sources of laugh inducing moments--tickling and the resulting giggles are sometime irresistible. 
But I think the best laugh I've had recently came from a post on Suzicate's blog back in May.  May was rough on us and the night I noticed this post on her blog I really needed a laugh.  I laughed so hard I had to share it with Nick.  By the time I was done reading it to him he was laughing so hard he almost fell off the couch.  So I thought I'd share it with you all.  You must read to the end, it's so worth it.

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious dad, can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom.
One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged.
"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience", I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared.
I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean, what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um.... um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."
He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car.  He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea,"  my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 - Lizards - $140...
1 - Cage - $50...
Trip to the Vet - $30...
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie...Priceless

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Now go see Sprite's Keeper for more funny spins.


  1. I know I read it before, but BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
    What a great laugh! You're right. That always has to be shared.
    You're linked!

  2. OMG That is beyond hilarious!!!

  3. The whole time I kept thinking, "Eggs, people, EGGS!" But I never thought beyond that and was still surprised by the diagnosis. Honestly, I'm really happy that my mind didn't immediately land in the gutter. It shows progress!

  4. That made me laugh! How funny! But it never occurred to me that, of course, lizards lay eggs. How could it be a foot? Tells you that the brain goes somewhere when emotions take over!

  5. I would have pissed my pants. And I would NEVER EVER let my husband live that down. There are a lifetime's worth of 'You jerked off a lizard' jokes there. Pure Gold.

  6. That is one of the great Mass forwarded emails I've seen in a long time. I got the original and it was a hampster.

  7. Oh I remember that one! I about died laughing! Tears were streaming down my face. AND it is still freaking hilarious!! Thanks for the repost and the laugh!


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